Dear midterms,

Please be good to me.

 

Okay? 😉

To you;

Ever since we broke off, I kept telling you go to find a new girl. Oddly, it never hit me that you would find a new replacement fast.

Even though you had found my replacement, you don’t have to tell me everything about her. About how she crinkles her goddamn nose and she looks cute like that, or how she sounds when she wakes up. I get it. And it only adds salt to the wound.

I guess I wasn’t good enough for you, eh? And we were not really that good together anyways.

But hey, you made me realize something. You made me realize what an asshole you are. And that truly, was an eye opener for me.

Who the fuck, screams at people for no reason? Or better yet, blame them for things they didn’t even do or know about it?

You do.

And when I do that, I get screamed at instead, And then we start fighting, again. Doesn’t it tire you?

I guess it does.It tires me out like nobody’s business. But don’t you ever know when to give up? I don’t think so.

So here’s my final letter to you, after being with you for 5 months, and for being in an off and on relationship for 3 months.

I guess we weren’t just compatible, eh? We were like two same jigsaw puzzles. Yes, you were there when I needed comfort. But were your words comforting?

No. They weren’t. They made me feel worst instead. And throughout the entire relationship, I felt like I was choking. It was a constant struggle between peace and war. One moment we’d be holding hands and laughing at silly jokes, the next we’d be fighting about what one of us spoke about. You think it’s amusing when I speak sarcastically? Well, aren’t you being clever. At least you don’t understand some of my insults.

Yes, I’ll admit. You’re caring, and protective. But you’re only good as a friend, not a lover. And even though you’re going to hate me for typing this, guess what, big guy? I. Don’t. Care. Straight up. And you have mood swings. Like a bitch. Everyone has that, I’ll agree. But yours is more exaggerated than others. So I don’t want to watch a movie with you or have to cancel last minute on you because of personal reasons. You show your temper. But you always follow me when I go shopping because “I don’t want you to go alone,” and when I tell you not to, you show your temper.

I’m not complaining to the world about your flaws, I’m just merely blogging about why we weren’t compatible.

But I guess you won’t care about this, eh? Since you got yourself a new girlfriend  the same day you told me you moved on, I stopped hoping on you. Maybe some day you’ll look back and think of me, but I sure as hell won’t because, you’re an ass.

There are so many vulgar words I’d like to tell you straight to your face, but you’ll just twist and turn it. So what’s the point? I don’t see any reason of us getting back together anymore.

And I wish you all the best in your new relationship, you asshole.

Memories.

Hello, world! Did you miss me? I did, but I didn’t manage to have the time to blog about the recent happenings in my life.

So, Chinese New Year just ended, and I’m surprised to say that I received the most ang pao money this year compared to the other 17 years of my life. You see, according to tradition, the older one is, the lesser ang pao money they are suppose to receive. But maybe it was because I added the winnings of the gambling game I had with my relatives. Hmm. Either way, it’s still a lot of money, and I’m not complaining about it! 🙂

When I was at my uncle’s place, my aunt brought out photographs of us in Bangkok and we looked through every single on of them thoroughly, as to check and point out our flaws in the photos. Whilst chortling and teasing those in the photographs, a sudden thought went through my mind; what if we were just a fragment of everyone’s lives? I mean, sure, we all are living things, so we can’t really be considered as a fragment nor be called one. But what if we just passed through people’s minds? One moment we really do matter to them, and the next, we mean nothing at all? What if we were just a fragment of their memory?

Sometimes when I see people at printing shops holding photos that has just been printed out, chortling and pointing at the photos, I would stop for a while and wonder; would they still remember the person in the photo that they had captured in say, maybe 10, 20 years’ time? Or would they ponder upon it and give up if it’s too hard of a task for them? Or would the frozen images in the photograph make them smile and reminisce about those good old times you once had? Not to mention, would it make you wonder about what were they doing  at that exact moment? Or even to call them and surprise them?

Whenever I look at old photos of my parents and of me and my brother when we were growing up, I would point at some random person and ask my mum, “Hey, who’s this? Have we met this person before?” My mum would give the same answer,”Yes, but you were just a baby that time. You wouldn’t remember their faces, what more their names,” Heck. I’ve seen the faces of so many people in my parents’s photo album but I’ve never ever seen them in real life nor have my parents even called them to ask about their lives now, let alone visit them.

So, I hope that whenever I glance down at this photo in the future, I’ll still be in touch with her.

Dear C,

I know you’ve gone through so much hardship back last year, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you all the time. Even though we lived so close but yet we don’t often go out much, which pretty much sucks because knowing both of us, we can never stop talking if we hung out all day. And the shopping, can get pretty crazy. You’ll always be my best criticizer, no matter in what I do, and I’m proud to say that you’re my best friend. No matter what people think of you, screw that shit because we both know that we cannot satisfy everyone’s needs. Enjoy Sydney, and I know you’ll make it through and get that double degree. I have confidence in you!

Even though I won’t be able to hang out with you every week or so, but hey, there’s still skype, right? I’ll definitely call you to update you about every single thing. And it’s been so long since we’ve met, right? Primary school! That’s a pretty long time ago.. Heck, it’s been 9 years since we’ve been together as friends, and we’ll count many more years together, right? Throughout thick and thin we still stayed together as friends, and I’m sorry if I ever neglected you during those times when you needed a shoulder to cry on.

I’ll definitely miss you. And no, I won’t forget you, because you’re simply irreplaceable in my heart.

Those days.

The class of 2011 made this, and this made me reminisce about my high school days back in SMKDJ. :’) good job you guys, and pat yourselves on the back for making this 🙂

Not only had SMKDJ taught me the ways of life, it also had made me be a better person than who I was back 5 years ago. And, I can proudly say that I was  and still am an SMKDJ-ian. 🙂

The last day of 2011.

31st December 2011. How time flies. Last year, I was at Genting, celebrating New Year’s with my two friends and my ex. Little did I know that change was definite during the upcoming year.

I started 2011 with the break up with the ex. Horrible as it was, I still moved on, believing that there were better guys out there than the asshole of a guy. Days passed on, and I bid farewell to friends who had to move overseas to continue their tertiary education. Distance did not do any harm to our friendship as we communicated via Skype and messaged each other on Facebook, sharing our daily stories and whatnot, amusing each other at the same time. But somehow or rather, distance found a way, breaking friendships and long conversations were shortened to short ones.

Received our SPM results and even though they weren’t good, but hey, at least I had survived through SPM! Aha. Got my driving license and became the family’s temporary driver, dad’s especially, and the KL drivers are ruthless people. They simply worm and weasel their way into any empty space just so that they can be ahead of the jam, rushing back to their homes and offices.

During April, I received one of life’s greatest treasures; a pet baby tortoise. Not only did she convert me into a tortoise lover, she also taught me to be a patient person as I took care of her and another pet tortoise. But, God loved her more, and she left us after 5 months. That was one of the darkest days in 2011 for me and till this day, I still miss her more than ever.

 Hey Izzie, take care wherever you are. I hope you’re somewhere safe and that no one can harm you. I miss you more than ever each day. Stay hyper, alright? 🙂

Entered college during May, and met a handful of people which made my college days and classes. Suffice to say, you guys are my little rocks, and I do sincerely apologize if I don’t talk much to you much these days. Hours became days, and friends who had left for education overseas came back during their breaks. Hanged out with them, and shared precious memories, another of life’s gifts, with each other.

Days became months, and college became tougher. I started working, and it sure did give me some experience with children. I can say, it isn’t easy working with them. Because once they don’t get their ways, you know you’re definitely in trouble 😉 so better watch out! Aha.

More friends left as the months passed by, mainly because for their education. But, as usual, we kept in touch with the help of technology. New relations were built as well, drawing us closer than before, teaching about the ways of life in ways that we could have never imagined.

But, I could safely say for now, 2011 has definitely been memorable for me, partly because it had opened up my eyes to so many things that I could have never imagined back in high school. Parting with my high school friends and meeting new friends was definitely NOT on my list, but hell, it happened. And even though I had regretted in maintaining several friendships, I had gained new and better yet, awesome friends along the way who not only love everyone for who they truly are, but also insulting them like crap along the way. You guys know who you are 😉 I love you to bits. ❤ and the best part was, 2011 changed me into a better person. 🙂

Resolutions for 2012? Well, they haven’t been made, but they will be, during the year. And as I type, I hear the crackling sounds of fireworks. Happy new year to you all dear readers, and have yourself a blast during 2012! The world isn’t going to end, even though there has been predictions about it. So, if it is, then party everyday like there’s no tomorrow and face your challenges with courage that you have. God bless always ❤

Life.

Suddenly felt the strong urge to blog, even though I’m in the midst of doing my finals. Three papers down, one more to go then it’s play time! 🙂

I was talking to my neighbor a while ago about life. I went out to let Shelby exercise, since she usually doesn’t have the chance to do so during the weekdays and I saw him polishing his cars. We chatted for a while, about my college life, course, his work and the usual whatnots. When we stumbled across the friendship topic, he told me this; people change. Just move on and even though they may have forgotten you, but at least you were once friends with them. Never forget who they were to you before, may they be your close pals, acquaintances or just friends.

I nodded my head, as to show him that I understood the meaning of what he said. Granted, I would have never imagined not talking to my close friends back when I was in secondary school. I got to see them 5 times a week, sharing stories and jokes, with minor fights along the way, not to piss anyone off but just for the sake of fun. We would then laugh about it and make fun of that person who got annoyed about it, and poke fun at people, making them ‘learn’ about things they did not know about. Oh well, the humor of a bunch of 17-year-olds are very much known by everyone, right? The dirty jokes, and the immaturity of single people poking fun at those who were in a relationship, who brushed them off as easily as brushing dust off their clothes and laughed along with them. Yes, those were the best times in school and we said that we would never, ever stopped talking like that to each other.

Sooner or later, one by one stopped talking to each other. The noisy ones still talked to each other, but the quiet ones mixed with themselves and ignored the noisy ones, thus sort of segregating the classmates. Although we do arrange for outings together, but many failed to show up due to wrong timings, or the laziness they felt inside. After all, why bother to go out when you can create a group and chat with the members inside it? But, deep down inside, we all changed slowly. At first, it was those who entered college earlier. After a few months of talking and spamming the other ex-classmates, they soon stopped because of their exams. Then, they seldom kept in touch because they were too preoccupied with their lives. The rest followed suit, but we still arranged outings and whatnots just to see each other physically and commemorate the memories we had in class last year.

Funny thing about us people, we do change. Heck, the world is changing, in ways we ourselves can never dream of. The polar bears in the north are dying due to global warming. The ice bergs are breaking, and recently a huge piece of ice berg was found floating near Australia. That incident was certainly not anticipated by many people, even the scientists. The world is getting hotter, and many are falling sick due to the weather. We once said to go green but I don’t see many trying. Yes, I do see some people bringing their own bags when they do their grocery shopping at the markets, but not many do that. Only about 1 in about 5 people would do that. I myself bring my own bag out, no matter what day it is. If I forgot, I just stuff the small items into my handbag and if needed, I would ask for a plastic bag to place the bigger items in it. I then use the plastic as my rubbish bin’s plastic bag to cut down on the usage of plastic. We all know, that even though the world was as perfect as we envisioned it to be like, but deep down inside, the desire of men cannot be really and truly be filled to the brim. 50 years ago, the world had more flora and fauna compared to now. The reason? Men wanted to commercialize their companies, and build better homes and to also make people’s lives better. Not to say that I do not support that, I really do, but now when you look at it, deforestation is one of the world’s biggest problems. Many are choosing to recycle rather than not to, just to save the Earth. If we really do carry on with activities that not only would destroy Mother Nature, we would only bring disaster to ourselves. The question now is; how long would it take for us to self-destruct?

Childhood memories.

Hey guys! I’ve not been blogging recently because of… you guessed it, assignments and presentations which was worth 20 marks for my total marks for the subject. Celebrated my 18th last week with the ex, (or should I say friend?) and a couple of other friends. Did not really expect anyone to remember my birthday, but surprise surprise! A few wished me on Facebook, and the rest via calls and texts. You guys made my day :’) and I was really genuinely touched by those who remembered my birthday, even though I didn’t mention anything about it. Albeit the surprise celebration, I still felt mean, because deep down inside, I didn’t want anyone to celebrate it for me. Instead, I wanted to celebrate it myself. But heck, I do appreciate it. I got a cuppachino cake! ❤ ehehe. I simply love coffee, and I got to choose my cake! Redemption, ehehe 🙂 Deep apologies to my readers, the cake was gobbled up by greedy me because I didn’t eat lunch on that day, and only had the cake during 4 something in the afternoon. 😦

Things are very complicated between me and the ex at the moment, and I wish it’d work out by itself sometimes, but heck, nothing does. And now, I’m in the midst of my finals! 🙂 Hopefully I can score in it, and get a good CGPA. Okay, okay. So today I sat for my philosophy examination, and boy was it one hell of a paper. I simply wrote whatever came into my mind, and handed it up with a sigh of relief. Hanged out at A&W with a couple of friends, and we talked about our dream jobs and childhood memories. They brought tears to my eyes, and I brushed them away, simply dismissing them as tears the eyes secretes when the person is sleepy. It’s not that talking about childhood memories brings me to tears, but instead it was the experience that one of my friends had encountered. He had a pretty bad childhood. Although it happened to many of us, but his was one of those I would never forget. “You would never know how it feels like, unless you have experienced it.” True, yet it brings a deep meaning. Thank you, J, for teaching me a some valuable lessons today.

“Esse est percipi”(To be is to be perceived)- George Berkeley. Perceiving things as they are cannot be truly done by society now. What if we were to be drug addicts? Would we be perceiving ourselves the way we are? I don’t think so. so much for being a philosopher, eh? Three more exams to go, and then it’s Bangkok for Christmas! ❤

Love.

How do you truly define love?

Do you regularly buy gifts for your significant other to show your token of appreciation?

or

Do you simply tell them you love them everyday without any doubt in you?

Language.

To many, language breaks the barrier of silence amongst people. We do not randomly go up to a stranger and start gibbering in a language we assume that person knows, but instead converse a language which is universal in this world. Language, too, is the communication tool that is widely used globally, other than acts of kindness(which is often followed closely with a smile not far behind), hand gestures and the list goes on. If without language, how are we humans suppose to communicate with other?

In this picture as we all can see, Jane is talking to Tarzan with what she had taught him. Tarzan initially was rather reluctant to learn from Jane as he thought learning from her was a waste of time and besides, he had better things to do than listen to someone natter and chatter nonsense away at his ears. Eventually,he gave up and learned from Jane. They moved out from the jungle and to the city where Tarzan then realized that language was indeed important to everyone. I’m not trying to say that you should only learn one specific language and then tell everyone else other languages are the teachings of the Devil, but instead learn to accept people for who and what they are, even though they might be bananas or mangosteens. Don’t classify people just because you cannot accept their skin color, race or even what they know. Take for an example, those who we always see in the library are often classified as nerds. Sure, we can all say that they might have nothing better to do or are lifeless people. But what do we know from their past? They might have been bullied, or simply being anti social which was caused by experiences they had to go through alone. Heck, they might even be shy!

So, never judge a book by its cover. A person who looks happy on the outside may be pretending to be happy to cover up her past, and to show the world a positive side. A person who has multiple piercings might be showing the world they are unhappy, but happy on the inside instead. Same goes for those who think that other races do not know other races’s language. I have a friend who is a Malay but is rather fluent in the national language, and also mandarin. So, think before you assume. 🙂 It’s pretty easy if you have an open mind, eh?:)

PS; If I had insulted anyone, my deepest apologies.

PPS; It’s the end of the fasting season! To the Muslims, selamat Hari Raya! Maaf zahir dan batin dan selamat berbuka puasa ❤

Mistakes.

Listening to ‘One of Us’ by Joan Osborne reminds me of the many mistakes I did in the past year, and of how His actions had affected my life. Back in high school, I had it all-a boyfriend, and a caring family who cared for me and was always there no matter what happened. At the start of 2011, I lost it all. I broke up with the boyfriend, who had been with me for quite a while, and I felt that the family started to not care as much as they did the previous year. And so, it was true. Maybe it was the fact that I was growing up, but it felt like they were letting me go too fast.

When I started college, things suddenly changed. Not for the worst, nor the better. I got to know great people in campus, trust me. It gave me the feeling of comfort, and that they would always be there for me, no matter what shit I had to go through in life. They also reminded me of my friends back in high school. If one of us was seen holding a tissue or showing a sour face, we would console and comfort them, letting them know that we were their roots of comfort and always had our support no matter how they had fucked things up. It felt like…family. Then college came, but that didn’t stop us from having talking about our college life and sharing experiences, the good and the bad. We laughed and comforted at the bad ones, and cheered at the good ones.

Things did change, don’t get me wrong about that. I suddenly felt like I had been given a pair of wings, and no one had taught me how to use it, or to brief me about it. College suddenly felt tougher even though I had great friends by my side but the feeling of being fucked up was instilled inside of me every time I went home. Not to be a bad child and say that I dislike my home, but the feeling of home wasn’t like how it felt like after I left for college. It didn’t offer me any sense of belonging. It just…offered me a feeling of staying at someone’s place far too long.

After 2 months of being with the boyfriend, I feel like things are pretty messy. But then again, life is always pretty messy, and who are we to decide whether our lives should have road blocks or bumps? We all know, if things don’t turn out as we expect them to be like, then it’s called an experience. A famous saying, “if life gives you lemons, make lemonade out of them” by Dale Carnegie is  often said by many people, but how many of them actually practice what they preach? What if your way out was actually one of the lemons? You can’t just turn lemonade into lemons, that’s not possible unless if you’re God or something of higher power.

If mistakes don’t make us stronger, then I don’t know what gives. Heck, I don’t think anyone knows what’ll happen if we don’t make mistakes in life. I admit, I made mistakes in life, but what wouldn’t I give to turn back time and change it. In my first philosophy class, my lecturer posed different questions to discuss about during class and one of the questions was actually about your views about the right and the wrong. My group discussed that, and it hit me, if life was really about being right and wrong. If we lived right according to the rules adhered to us by higher powers, it doesn’t mean that we would live longer and get to see our great grandkids or things like that. So why not, screw things up, and see the outcome. It might make life a little better, don’t you think so?